By Lisa Holt, Content Team Academic
Previously, I was led to believe that self-love meant treating myself to an expensive coffee, saying no when I really didn’t want to go out with my friends, or simply reminding myself that I’m “enough”. While those can be a part of self-love, I’ve learned that self-love resonates much deeper than positive affirmations and an iced caramel frappuccino.
Psychologists often refer to real self-love as self-compassion, a quiet strength rooted in kindness toward yourself. This love is our foundation for fulfilment, and without this, we can wind up placing silent pressure on those around us, expecting them to do what we haven’t even attempted to do for ourselves.
What Self-Love Actually Is (Or Isn’t)
A common misconception is that self-love is egotistical; to love yourself is to be full of yourself. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Real self-love does not inflate your ego; it balances it. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, ‘a healthy self-love leads to true happiness’. It’s about treating yourself with the same patience, kindness and understanding that you’d show to your best friend.
Psychologist Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion reinforces the importance of treating yourself with kindness, care and understanding. An understanding which means you don’t beat yourself up for every mistake, you didn’t internalise that job you were rejected from last week, and you won’t tie your worth to productivity or perfection. It’s a quiet, steady form of love; not loud, not showy, and certainly not arrogant.
As Keller and Huppert remind us:
“There is something special and valuable that you can get from the compassion of others, but there are other things, also special and valuable, that you can get only from compassion for yourself”
This idea of self-love invites a powerful shift: instead of relying on external validation, you learn to become your own safe place. It’s not about self-obsession but about self-respect. And without it, everything starts to feel shakier. Your relationships, your ambitions, even your day-to-day peace of mind, they feel the weight of the self-love you’ve denied yourself.
Why Self-Love Strengthens Relationships
When we don’t feel fulfilled within ourselves, we often look outward to feel whole. Without realising it, we set unnecessary expectations for the people closest to us to help us feel more secure. Yes, your loved ones can support you and add to your life, but the only person capable of making you whole—is you.
This is why a lack of self-love can strain even the healthiest of relationships. When you don’t believe you’re enough on your own, you might find yourself seeking a considerable amount of reassurance from your partner. Or you might feel jealous when a friend is unavailable, interpreting it as them rejecting you, as opposed to the reality that your friend is still your friend, they’re just attempting to balance a full-time job and three children. These feelings aren’t strange or shameful. You’re not asking for too much; you might just be asking people to fill a gap only you can fill.
As much as love from others is beautiful and meaningful, it’s not a substitute for the kind of steady, internal love that keeps you grounded.
“You have a special kind of access to your own mental life [..] Others can try to make things better for you, but what they can do is different from what you can do.”
Keller and Huppert hit the heart of it: no one else is as close to your inner world as you are. Self-love is essential to being emotionally self-sustaining. It softens your need for constant reassurance. It helps you create boundaries without guilt. And most importantly, it makes your love for others less about need, and more about choice.
When you begin to meet your own needs, you show up in relationships more whole. You’re not waiting to be completed. You’re already complete. And you’re ready to connect from a place of fullness rather than emptiness.
Self-Love, Confidence, and Creating Your Own Opportunities
One of the most underrated benefits of self-love is confidence. Not the type of confidence that will make you want to audition for a West End musical, but the calm inner confidence that tells you ‘you can do this’. When you value yourself, you begin to show up differently. You have the confidence to speak up in situations you’d usually shy away from. You apply for the role that you once would’ve talked yourself out of. You go for that iced frappuccino on your own, not to prove a point to anyone, but simply because you want to.
Self-love gives you the freedom to enjoy your own company and move through the world without constantly asking for permission or waiting on somebody else to get things done. It’s that kind of confidence that opens doors. It allows you to take risks, try new things, and say yes to opportunities you once might’ve avoided out of fear.
While it’s easy to believe that confidence is a byproduct of success, the reality is often the opposite. Self-love is the catalyst to creating your own future. With this confidence, you’re more likely to advocate for yourself, make decisions that align with your values and recover from any failures that may come your way. Having a compassionate relationship with yourself is truly the key to making all of these things a reality.
Filling Your Own Cup First
Self-love isn’t a luxury, it’s a foundation. This kind of love takes practice. It’s not a one-time realisation or something you master on a Friday night. It’s built in the small moments: the way you speak to yourself after you make a mistake, the decision to rest instead of overworking, or being kind to yourself even when you feel you don’t deserve it.
When you love yourself, you give those around you a more grounded and more present version of you. This self-love ripples outward into your relationships; they have the foundations to thrive because you are no longer seeking validation, you’re just simply being, because you want to and because you can. Your life starts to feel less like something you’re trying to prove, and more like the life you’re meant to live.
Because it’s true, you cannot pour from an empty cup. But when it’s full? You start to overflow, in the best possible way.
Sources
“Self-love, N., Sense 2.” Oxford English Dictionary, Oxford UP, July 2023, https://doi.org/10.1093/OED/8313689936.
Sbarra, David A., et al. “When Leaving Your Ex, Love Yourself: Observational Ratings of Self-Compassion Predict the Course of Emotional Recovery Following Marital Separation.” Psychological Science, vol. 23, no. 3, 2012, pp. 261–69. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/41441783. Accessed 29 July 2025.
Keller, Simon, and Felicia A. Huppert. “The Virtue of Self-Compassion.” Ethical Theory and Moral Practice, vol. 24, no. 2, 2021, pp. 443–58. JSTOR, https://www.jstor.org/stable/48762470. Accessed 29 July 2025.
