By OCD-UK
It can feel like a complete minefield when it comes to supporting a loved one with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). The first thing to remember is that you are not responsible for making them better or to fix the problem, that’s the job of your loved one as they work in collaboration with their therapist. You can be a loving, supportive, and understanding figure in their life, which will ultimately help them during their recovery process, however, you are not expected to make it all go away.
OCD is very good at involving other people in its cruel, bullying nature. This is one of the most common difficulties people have when supporting a loved one with OCD. It’s incredibly hard to refrain from becoming involved in the OCD’s demands when your loved one is asking for help in distress, and most people say it’s the hardest thing they have to do.
Becoming involved in OCD’s demands might look like reassuring them that something is ok or safe, doing things for them, or changing your own behaviour at their request. As you may be aware, giving a person with OCD reassurance about their OCD themes, or helping them with compulsions, means OCD will only feed off this and become more forceful as a result. That said, it can also be very distressing if you suddenly stop giving them any reassurance, and completely stop helping them with compulsions, particularly if there has been a lot of this taking place for some time.
There are some things you could try if you felt able to. Please do remember that you aren’t expected to make everything right, and trying these tips should be something you and your loved one have agreed upon in advance.
- Reduce
As we mentioned previously, suddenly stopping giving reassurance and helping compulsions may feel very overwhelming for your loved one. However, if you are in the process of waiting for treatment and the waiting list is lengthy, it’s likely you might want to try something. If agreed with your loved one, you could try reducing it slightly. Please do keep in mind that treatment is important so your loved one can detangle the cognitive problems they are experiencing, and often major/significant progress isn’t made until they have that treatment in place.
Reduction might look like setting a timer so that a usual one hour set of compulsions can be reduced slowly to, for example, 55 minutes. Over time, you can chip away at that timer and reduce it at the pace decided between you both. Similarly, agreeing to gradually reduce the number of times you will offer reassurance or assist with the compulsion might be helpful.
Pease remember that any progress made this way without the help of a therapist should not mean that therapeutic intervention shouldn’t still be explored. Professionals help us to understand the problem behind our behaviours and how the obsession and compulsion cycle is impacting us so that we can fully understand and address the problem at its core instead of just reducing the problem temporarily.
If your loved one is currently in treatment, the therapist may suggest different tactics and exercises for you to be involved with, in which case please communicate any ideas you have with them to avoid any interference with treatment goals.
- Validate don’t reassure
You can be supportive and helpful without giving OCD the reassurance it is asking for. Instead of saying “don’t worry, those bad things won’t happen to you”, try a phrase that offers emotional support such as “It sounds like OCD is really pushing you to get some reassurance right now. This must be really hard for you. Shall we head out for a walk?”.
- Use blame free language
It can be hard not to get defensive when it comes to standing up to OCD. Using language such as “Are you asking me for reassurance again?” could lead to frustrations, disagreements, and further guilt. By changing this to “Is OCD asking for reassurance again?”, you are showing your loved one that you are aware that asking for the reassurance doesn’t feel like a choice, and it isn’t them that is the problem, it’s the disorder they have. This may then lead to you having a more composed and collaborative conversation whereby you are both frustrated with OCD, and not each other.
- Tackling Reluctancy to seek help
It isn’t at all uncommon for a person with OCD to be reluctant to reach out for help and treatment. This can leave loved ones confused on what they should do about the situation, however, its important to know that you can try and encourage them, but it isn’t your responsibility to make sure they do it. If you have tried to encourage your loved one to seek help and speak to a professional, and they won’t engage, as hard as it sounds, sometimes the only thing you can do is wait until they are ready. In the meantime, you can:
- Educate yourself as much as possible to be prepared for when they are ready
- Read books (OCD-UK provides books on OCD)
- Watch online presentations by specialists and professionals (OCD-UK has lots of these)
- Research into the evidence-based treatment for OCD (OCD-UK recommends CBT with ERP)
- When they are ready, talk to them about what you have learned
- Recommend support groups they could attend (even if they start with just listening in)
- Waiting for treatment
If your loved one has reached out for help and is now on a lengthy waiting list to receive treatment, you might be thinking “how will we cope on our own until then?”. The good news is you aren’t on your own, and there are a lot of support services available to you. OCD-UK host weekly support groups for people who are suffering because of OCD.
There are also support lines, emails and forums that may help you to feel less alone and to connect to other people who can guide you and inform you.
- You matter too
Please do remember that you are important too and there is also support out there for people who are supporting a loved one with OCD. OCD-UK offers a monthly online support group specifically for family members, and it’s a space that allows people to open up about how they feel and seek guidance in difficult situations. There are also some fantastic books and presentations specifically for loved ones too.
This article was contributed by OCD-UK. For more information about the support and resources they provide, please visit their website.
