Poetry by Sarah Strutt

“At the age of 17 I was registered blind due to a degenerative genetic disorder. Though this made life a little more difficult I completed my A-levels and went on to university. However age 20 I withdrew from my course due to ill health. Following this I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder and psychosis. Over the past nine years I have , used self harm as a coping mechanism  and attempted suicide approximately 30 times with a similar number of admissions to psychiatric wards.. 

Currently living in a rehabilitation facility, I have been accepted to return to college in September to study access to HE nursing to then complete mental health nursing degree, as well as being accepted to volunteer on a mental health ward in Manchester with one of my roles being facilitation of a creative writing group. There are many points of inspiration across my journey so far including people I met in Words they  shared along the way.

I began writing poetry as a way to manage my extreme emotions and communicate when verbalisation was difficult.I would like to share with you some of my poetry in the hope that maybe someone you know could relate to any small part of it. I found great strength in knowing that I am not alone and I have  discovered  many reasons for which life is worth living.”

Hide and seek

As if my lung  is punctured by a knife like fear

Cried so many tears the impending drought is near

My mind feels as if it is infected

So expose it cannot be protected

Overwhelmed by the crowds cannot  bear  to be alone

No direction to  freedom from this chaos to my home

Judged misunderstood 

unloved shed blood

Somebody please help me to believe

I’ll be granted a reprieve given me the strength to breve

I’ll find that missing piece to make my puzzle  complete

Find the human race I believed was obsolete

Seeking to prove it’s the truth that you speak

The words that sail  through my head as I attempt to fall asleep

My stomach somersaults with just one word

Dissecting  every sentence I have heard

Few actions I would not do to be liked

To be cared for or valued  I’d pay any price 

Never honest await the next broken promise

Turn my life into a comic as you jovially frolic 

From the clouds to the tectonic plates

Feel every bone of my skeleton break 

Life  a nightmare once a dream like state

 The lamp that  lit my life now ceased to illuminate

Question  if my  pulse has met its expiration date

Whether concealed or revealed  

Can’t control the way I feel

I’m in the driving seat whose hands on the steering wheel

Portrayal

Controlled by mental infirmity, lunacy,  absurdity,

Lack of social equality subjects of in humanity

Take away the pain with the use of a blade

Momentarily the anxiety will fade

Entangled emotions many with no name

Sabotaging my life a process I can’t explain 

The world never witness to the second form of me

Exuberance jubilance a lust for life is what they see

Relentless self harm jewel with  feeling suicidal

Love the tiny ray of hope  preventing an act so final

Sunk in the duvet crushed by the falling ceiling

In my mind the last rites I can hear the priest reading

My life is not 29 years of agony

Lifelong recipient of love and empathy

But now I’ve smiled for the final time

Clinging onto the tears telling you I am fine

Heartfelt

Evident you cared from the day that we first met

Catching every tear I cried when overcome with upset

 your motive to care rather than to earn a wage

 acts of genuine compassion o performance for a stage

Showed me a reason to live that I struggle to locate

Able to melt a sheet of glass with the warmth you radiate

You made me smile, made my life worth while

Showed me the way to return from exile

Smart suit stethoscope empty words leave their  mouth

Arrogance ignorance excessively sized house

No thoughts nor feelings ever  condemned never judged

The ligatures I made this self-inflicted stream of blood 

even if just for a moment you made me want to live

My contribution to society valued and respected

Misconvictions

Why must I prove I am no threat rather than the reverse dismissing the intense hurt  often  a product of your words 

Brutally attacking it announces its arrival

Steals the air from the room I question my survival

You tell me not to worry  my symptoms will pass

A common panic attack no need to write your Epitath

A wall of silence is deafeningly loud

Even in an empty room I feel lost in the crowd

Every word passing  my lips subject to your contest 

Scrutinised  like one under arrest

Inferring  my diagnosis suggests

And inanimate objects beats inside my chest

The media hype and stereotypes

Contribute to concluding that my heart is unripe

Not defined by the label to which I am assigned

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