By Paris Gill, Content Team Contributor
Do I have anxiety? This is a thought I have often. When I’m with friends. When I’m walking through town. When I’m in a shop. I definitely think it when I’m in the gym, or if I’m wearing new clothes. But do I have anxiety?
I’ve never been diagnosed with anxiety, although I have talked to a therapist about it. If I were to explain my anxious feelings, it’s more situational. The anticipation of a social event, knowing I will have to talk to strangers, makes me feel sick or cry. It makes me absolutely 100% try and find any excuse not to go to that event, even if I’ve been looking forward to it.
In the past I used to never go. I would miss school trips, cancel plans with friends, and not leave my house for days because I didn’t want anyone on the street to look at me. It got to the point where I’d order takeaway because I hadn’t had the energy to go to the supermarket for fear of having to talk to the cashier.
And then I had the bright idea of doing a study abroad. For a year. In South Korea, which is a 14-hour flight away.
What was I thinking!
My year abroad in a country where I kind of spoke the language but definitely didn’t know the culture or the people was the greatest challenge, and achievement, of my life so far. I worked so hard to get the grades and means to go to Seoul, and I miss life out there every day.
But for the first 2 months or so, I HATED it. The homesickness was crippling, and the constant anxiety of having to translate every interaction I had, anticipating the misunderstandings or confusion, was overwhelming. 99% of the population of South Korea are native Koreans, and so for me, a blue-eyed blond, it was glaringly obvious I did not fit in. In many ways, it was everything I’d desperately tried to avoid whilst I’d been at uni in the UK.
So what changed? Number one: I found friends who had the same interests as me. When you go on a study abroad, there are always niche and specific reasons why people have gone. With Korea, this ranged from an interest in its history to KPOP! So finding a couple people who liked the same music as you, for instance, meant that there was automatically more people (who also didn’t fit in) to hang out with.
Number two: I started being selfish. In the past, I’d gone along with friends’ plans even if I’d been completely exhausted, and sometimes scheduled way too many things in a day. So I stopped saying yes. Stopping saying yes to everything means I had more energy to agree to plans that I genuinely wanted to do, and schedule my time accordingly so I wouldn’t be too busy on the days I’d planned. Last-minute plans were never worth it if all I wanted to do was be in bed that day!
And number three, which I couldn’t believe happened, I enjoyed doing things alone. Seoul is a massive sprawling city, and there was so much that I wanted to see or do before I headed home. And so instead of having the anxiety of compromise, or worrying if my friends liked my suggested activity, I would do things alone. With headphones in and a book in my bag, it became easier to ignore the real or imagined surrounding staring, and embrace being a fish out of water.
I thought my year abroad was the end of my anxiety. With all the socialising and new things I’d experienced, how could I be anxious about doing all of that back home? But when I got back to the UK and started my final year of university, the social anxiety returned.
Suddenly it was even harder to drag myself out, and the thought of having to make new friends again was exhausting. But shouldn’t I be used to this? Shouldn’t I be able to do this in my sleep now?
What I realised is that no matter how much practice and experience I had in pushing down my social anxiety, the social anxiety didn’t leave. It wasn’t cured by me pushing myself out of my comfort zone, nor was it cured when I stayed in and didn’t socialise. All I had done was get better at dealing with it or crashing after.
So do I have anxiety? My year abroad helped me grow resilience, confidence, and enough strength to push myself in all situations, not just socialising. It helped me continue to get out of my comfort zone in less intense circumstances and overall, my thought process has shifted to: “If I could go all the way to Korea, I can do THIS”. But I still feel anxious before doing these things, I still try to find excuses not to go, and sometimes I still bail on plans.
Anxiety comes in many different forms with many different intensities and coping mechanisms. For me, most of the time I can keep it functional and deal with the consequences afterwards. But if I can’t, I’ve realised that’s okay. There are always off-days and days where you can’t just “push yourself”, and when it gets like that, I prioritise self-care. Just as I was selfish in my plans on my year abroad, I’m selfish now with my limits and how far I’m willing to stretch them.
My anxiety doesn’t govern my life, but I do govern how I deal with my anxiety. Allowing myself to step back, knowing that the next time I might be able to step forward, is an empowering decision I make for myself.
Maybe you can relate to my experience? If you do, take a look at the resources on the No Panic website, it’s a great place to start if you’re looking for some help.
