Amy Moore, Content Team Contributor
Emetophobia is defined as “the extreme fear of vomiting” and it is something I have been learning to cope with since I was twelve years old. Yet, it wasn’t until I was eighteen that I found out it was something that many people struggle with.
It’s important to realise that panic attacks can come in all different forms. For so long, I felt like a fraud because my own panic attacks did not mimic those that I had seen in the media, where someone would struggle to breathe or would seemingly become unaware of their surroundings. My panic attacks always began with sudden extreme nausea and would end up with me physically vomiting. If anything, I became far too aware of my surroundings and always felt the need to get out of whatever situation I was in. I know now that this was the start of my avoidance behaviour towards anything that I believed would provoke my anxiety, but at the time, I thought I was being rational and responsible in thinking that no one would want me there because I couldn’t control my anxiety.
I became so terrified of having a panic attack and being sick that I missed so much of my life – most days I couldn’t force myself to go to school, I stopped seeing my friends, and on my worst days, it was a struggle to even leave the house. I could barely eat because I was so worried about being sick, and it was difficult just to sit in a room with other people; I would spend my time planning how I would leave if I suddenly felt nauseous. It was debilitating. I was twelve years old and I felt like my life would be like this forever. Very quickly, it became a cycle that I couldn’t get out of: I’d wake up, feel sick, be sick, end up not eating which only made me feel more ill, and spend the day at home dwelling on how awful I felt. Panic attacks were so common that it was as if I had scheduled my whole life around them. I stopped doing absolutely everything because this fear had such tight control over me. Above all, I felt so lonely because I pushed everyone away. I didn’t want anyone to see me.
For anyone who is struggling through something similar to this, I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Anxiety can be so incredibly isolating, especially when you feel so ill that all you want to do is hide. But, there are people nearby who will be willing to listen and help you through it on the days when the most simple things just feel impossible. If you need to talk to somebody, you can call the No Panic helpline on 0300 7729844, open every day between 10am and 10pm. I want you to know that you can get through it. It also does not matter how long it takes you. Every single day is a new day to try again. It might feel like it will never get better, that you’ll be stuck here forever, but things do get easier – I know that from experience.
To try and break the isolation I had put myself in, I had to start with small things, like going out on a walk with someone. At the start, it was so difficult, but I found that being outdoors really helped me to feel less trapped and walking meant that I could focus on something other than how sick I felt. I realised that I needed distractions to stop me from thinking about how anxious I was and to stop hyper-focusing on every single sensation in my body. I needed to get out of my head and back into the world, one small step at a time. I also found that putting time limits on things helped, saying that I had to be home at a certain time so that I knew exactly how long I would be socialising for. It increased my confidence so much that I really started to enjoy seeing people again, something that at one point in my life, I thought was impossible.
Emetophobia used to be something that felt like it controlled everything I did. Now, it’s more of a passing thought that I can cope with because I have realised that the happiness I have when I am socialising and seeing my friends is worth far more than the fear and anxiety surrounding being sick. That’s not to say that every day is easy, far from it, but I have chosen to take it one day at a time, which I find makes it much more manageable.
To anyone who is reading this, I hope this has given you the hope that things can get better. It just has to start with you. No one else has any control over you getting your life back. People will support you on the journey there, but you have to be the one leading the way. That may seem utterly terrifying, but it is truly liberating. You can go at your own pace, in your own time, and eventually, you may be exactly where you want to be.
