by Ellie Dixon, Mindless Mag

My past

Anxiety and I have been close friends since childhood. She was the type of friend who would always be there for me. She would constantly be squeezing my chest, buzzing in my ear, or laying in the pit of my stomach. As I said, she was always there. However, the older I got, the more I realised just how much of a hold anxiety had over me, and I started to question whether our relationship was as healthy as I always thought it was. 

Growing up, the type of anxiety I experienced most often was social anxiety, often accompanied by her overachieving cousin, performance anxiety. I chalked this up as the reason for my lack of participation during my education. I was in constant anticipation of an unexpected call from the teacher, a nasty comment from the nearest bully, or the expectation to ‘do your best’ on the next piece of homework.

I would always take the phrase ‘do your best’ very literally growing up. To the point where, if I had not tried my absolute hardest to achieve excellence, I would feel like I had failed. I carried this perfectionistic mindset into adulthood, and I struggle to let go of it even now.

“My best was never achievable because I always felt like I could do better… If I missed a question on a test, well maybe I didn’t study hard enough. Maybe I did not truly do my best. I could have done better.”

My present

This mentality haunted me during my university years. The overwhelming feeling of guilt I would experience when I did not reach the grade I wanted, when a project did not turn out the way I had envisioned, or when I walked away from a new social situation I was determined to participate in. I would put in so much effort and energy, but if things did not turn out the best possible way, I would convince myself I had failed.

It did not take long for this approach to burn me out. The crushing stress and anxiety it had given me, dissolved any passion I had left for my work.

I remember my graduation day, walking across the stage and receiving my certificate. I remember returning to my seat, looking down at this piece of paper, and thinking, “is this it? All the effort, anxiety, and tears were for this £28,500 worth of paper?” At that moment, I genuinely could not understand why I had put myself through it, I could not see the worth of the experience, but I realise now, I was looking at it all wrong.

I recently came across a self-help book entitled You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell. The book is promoted as a practical mental health guide, focusing on the basic understanding of mental health. One quote in particular stood out to me as it changed my entire perspective of my university experience.

“Measure yourself by your effort, not your achievements.”

Upon reading this, I realised I had been comparing the effort I had put into obtaining my degree and the achievement of receiving the degree itself. I was expecting the two to feel like equals which is simply not the case.

While everyone else was congratulating me on obtaining my degree, I felt as if it should have meant more to me than it did. Everyone else did not experience the years of struggle like I did, the sleepless nights, or the panic attack like I did. They only saw the achievement.

There are many smaller achievements I would not have gained if I did not put such a significant amount of effort into my university experience. I would not have learnt vital digital skills which I can take into my future career, I would not have learnt to be comfortable in my own company, and I would not have learnt how to cook and develop healthy eating habits.

Using this new mindset, I was able to flip my perspective of failure, and the anxiety I had about giving the perfect performance became a lot softer. I recognise now, even if I never reach the key achievement, I will still achieve something for my efforts, whether it be a new skill, a new friend, or a new mindset. The smaller achievements are still achievements. 

My future

Predicting the future of my mindset is not something I can realistically do. I still have so much to learn about myself and my mental health. After all, improvement does not happen overnight. Gaining a new and positive mindset can be enlightening, but you must be willing and able to work to maintain it. To do this, we must accept we often will not have the energy for this every day.

“If we know what our best is, if we have a glimpse of what our best feels like and the effort that goes into that, and we are always trying to meet that, then that’s unrealistic because our best is different every single day. Our bodies and our minds are different every single day.” 

If I want to nurture my mind and help it grow, I need to be able to set limits with anxiety so we can develop a healthier friendship. Even though anxiety has her faults, I know she can be a good friend. She helps keep me safe and alerts me of danger. I must learn to appreciate that about her.To me, it is not about getting rid of my anxieties altogether, but learning how I can exist with them by setting boundaries and acknowledging my negative outlooks, this is why I often personify anxiety. It helps me to distance myself and think critically about the way she makes me feel. This approach may not work for everyone, but it works for me. This is why finding a mindset that works for you is so important.