Eleanor Segall Mandelstam

I have spent years living in the shadow of having bipolar disorder and panic disorder (social anxiety and panic attacks) from my last hospitalisation in 2014. I didn’t realise that my panic disorder is essentially agoraphobia too, where at times, I struggle to leave the flat. 

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd

In the past, this means that I can struggle to leave home alone at times, socialise, go out on public transport, go out to eat, go into a shop, travel anywhere alone including walking and that I panic and avoid and retreat from situations.. When I am going through a period of low mood, the agoraphobia/panic disorder can worsen and it can be triggered too by difficult life events.

I am managing my panic attacks through therapy and speaking to my therapist works. However, being indoors all the time through Covid and changing my working patterns to working from home meant that my agoraphobia got heightened. I didn’t want to be around crowds because I could get Covid. I didn’t want to go on public transport in a mask- because I might get Covid. Really this was masking deeper anxiety and fear of the world in general- feeling uncertain after a job loss and starting a new career and feeling intensely self conscious too.

In a new job role , from 2022, where I had to go out on public transport to get to work, my anxiety has lessened. However, it does come back at times and can hit me when I am feeling low or stressed. I do know that it can get better and I have had almost 2 years of trauma therapy (EMDR) which helped me process past trauma that was stuck in my brain, and my panic attacks lessened. In 2014, I was sectioned due to my bipolar disorder and this caused a lot of trauma due to how it unfolded and the psychosis (delusions) I suffered.

I am proud to say that my panic is not the whole of me. In the past I have completed a degree and masters at drama school, gone travelling and volunteered in Ghana for 7 weeks. Despite my anxiety, I have worked in communications and writing, run two small businesses, have managed to release a book Bring Me to Light, written for well known publications and achieved many of my dreams. I also met my wonderful husband and am not only proud to be a wife, but an auntie (and hopefully one day a mother too).

I am still the person I was inside before trauma hit- social anxiety and agoraphobia are just an expression of that.

Slowly, I have taken steps to try and address the agoraphobia and I am so much better. I am worried that as autumn falls and the days are less light that my mood could take a dip, but I also know how to get help if that does happen and live in remission with panic.