By Kelly Carrington, GAWD
Got the Date Frights?
Love is in the air, isn’t it? Yes, Saint Valentine is firing his bows of match-making warm and fuzzies all over the place. But what if anxiety threatens to stick its stake in all matters of the heart?
Whether you’re settled or single, anxiety is an inevitable part of being human. While we can manage its intensity, we often can’t completely extinguish the flames. Instead of fighting or fearing anxiety, it’s a case of ‘better the devil you know…’, and learn how to live with it.
That’s not to say we’re going to take it lying down and let it control us. Rather we are going to look after the number one person in your life, you! Show some compassion. Try to understand anxiety and how we experience it. We might end up with a healthier relationship with the nuts and bolts on the inside. Then we can tackle the stuff on the outside.
Teenie bit of Dating Anxiety Science: How and Why we Make Connections.
Seeking connections and the anxiety around this, is essentially what our brains are hardwired to do. Evolutionists believe that early humans craved social interactions and connections. The need to form alliances, increase pack numbers, and enjoy others’ company. It was for survival, though more than this, it supported mental health, wellbeing and the motivation to advance. Our emotion controller in the brain, the limbic system, is constantly assessing risk and reward in terms of social interactions.
When dating, the brain releases chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, each playing a role in how we feel and behave around others. Dopamine fuels the butterflies’ feeling of a new connection. While the hormones oxytocin and serotonin work by helping you bond with someone, deepening our connection and regulating emotions. But our good old friend cortisol, the stress hormone, can stick its beak in when we feel anxious about rejection, leading to a sense of fear and massive discomfort.
Anxiety, Single or Attached: The Inner Struggle
This discomfort for those who are single, the fear of not finding someone, is often not helped by the constant anxiety of being ‘left on the shelf.’ Societal pressures and comparisons to norms, could leave you feeling inadequate and stressed.
Dating is like a real time game of life, how many points will I get for bagging this one… Can I keep hold of them? Success is often measured by being paired with someone. This is where the fear of rejection kicks in. On one hand we’re told to “make connections, it’s essential for your social survival.” But then we might not find ‘the one’, certainly not within a timeframe society has set for us. This leads to a fear of disconnection, the brain kicks in, sess this as a threat to our body. We go into fight or flight, cortisol rises, essentially we pull down our dating shutters.
It is only when we understand that connection is both internal and external, we can change the narrative. With my psychology hat on, we seek approval and acceptance, not just from potential partners, but from ourselves. It’s easy to fall into the trap of attaching our self-worth to what others think about us. The science says that self-esteem is better managed once we work on accepting and validating who we are and where we are right now. An understanding that our value doesn’t depend solely on being in a relationship.
For those who are attached, anxiety may stem from fears of vulnerability, commitment, or not being “enough.” In relationships, the brain still releases dopamine during the “honeymoon phase,” but it can quickly shift to anxiety if there’s a breakdown in communication or unmet needs. A lot of this anxiety stems from not feeling heard or understood, or the fear of rejection by someone we’ve become emotionally invested in. We may even project insecurities from past relationships, creating unnecessary tension.
I Love Myself! I’m Trying to…
It’s not easy to love ourselves and show self-compassion. Our culture, in my opinion, frowns upon self-love. That said, I’m mindful that I could sound like an affirmation meme with these tips for learning to love yourself. I’ll try to keep out the mush so that I might protect our sensibilities.
Steps Toward Calm: Internal Focus
- Self-Awareness: Begin by understanding your own emotional triggers. Taking time to journal or reflect on these feelings helps create a roadmap for addressing them.
- Self-Compassion: The fear of not being good enough often comes from a lack of self-compassion. It’s easy to be harsh on ourselves. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, regardless of whether you’re single or dating.
- Mindfulness Practices: Anxiety thrives in the future and the past, but mindfulness pulls you into the present moment. Meditation, breathing exercises, or even simple grounding techniques help reduce cortisol levels and reset your nervous system.
- Detach From the Outcome: This is easier said than done. The more we fixate on finding “the one” or making a current relationship work, the more anxiety builds. If we can learn to enjoy the journey—meeting new people, discovering more about ourselves, and growing from experiences—we reduce the pressure.
Reaching Outward: Shifting the Focus to Connection
Once we begin to connect with ourselves and reduce the internal anxiety, we can approach dating or relationships from a more grounded place. Instead of focusing on external pressures like being left on the shelf-timelines, we can focus on building authentic connections.
Relationships are like a mirror, a chance to reflect on our own growth, fears, and desires. The key is to approach it with a sense of curiosity and openness. When you are ready.
My Swan Song of Love to You: The Magic of Self-Compassion and Loving Yourself
Whether you’re single, dating, or in a relationship, anxiety is a natural part of the journey. There’s a magic that begins with self-compassion, which unlocks true connections, with yourself or with another. Treat yourself the way you would a new love or connection. Embrace your own imperfections and love who you are right now.
When you can love yourself fully—anxiety, warts n’ all—you create the space for others to love you in return. Stop trying to prove your worth and start living your worth. Now go out and get yourself a date night meal deal. You’re worth it…
References
- Calm – The science of love & the hormones that help you fall in love
- Psychology Today – 4 Theories on Why We Fall in Love
- Love Patterns: The Brain’s Role In Our Relationships
- The Role of Self-compassion in Romantic Relationships
Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2012). The Role of Self-compassion in Romantic Relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548
(https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548
