by Kelly Carrington, GAWD
I have been fascinated by the concept of people-pleasing for some time, and often wondered whether my desire to be ‘good’ and to please others has made me anxious. Or was I anxious to begin with, and that drives my need to please people to keep discomfort at bay? It is a multi-layered and complex matter, no question.
Is people-pleasing really a bad thing when it comes to mental health? And when, exactly, is it acceptable to put ourselves first?
The truth? It is a vicious cycle.
Anxiety in the Spotlight.
At the centre of people-pleasing is often a person who is deeply afraid of rejection, disapproval or conflict (puts a hand up…). The fear can be so powerful that it quietly shapes our everyday interactions, often without us even realising it.
Anxiety, at its core, is about uncertainty and how we perceive threats. A delayed text, a sigh or a slight change in tone can trigger our nervous system into believing all kinds of negatives, such as “They hate me” or “I’ve done the wrong thing again”.
Naturally, we want the intrusive and negative feelings to disappear. So, we say “yes” when we want to say “no”. We overstretch ourselves. Sadly, over time, we will experience burnout. Plus, our self-worth becomes tied to our ability to keep everyone else happy.
Mumming it Over.
For many parents, people-pleasing can intensify during parenthood and long-term relationships. Somewhere between mumming, dadding, partnering, working and managing the endless load that family life brings, it is easy to lose sight of your own needs.
You are the ‘one-stop shop’. The organiser, the peacekeeper, the diary. You are essentially the emotional project manager.
For some, the problem is that, over time, constantly focusing on everybody else’s needs can come at the expense of your own identity. The hobbies, ambitions and parts of their personality that once felt important become squeezed into the gaps. And sadly, with that loss of identity often comes our old friends’ resentment and guilt. You are grieving for the life you used to have, or the one you yearned for.
You’ve got History…
There is usually a pattern of behaviours that develops through generations. For me, I certainly feel as though all of the female line and most of the males, come to think of it, in my family are people-pleasers. I would say that there could also be a link to being working class. (This is my opinion.) We are told to “be good”, “help others first” “, don’t be selfish” and “ never, ever, show up elders in public”. However, always putting on a front, or show, comes at a price.
Running on Empty.
It gets worse, people-pleasers… Anxiety increases the more we try to make people happy. We become hypervigilant, reading everyone else’s reactions and spotting potential problems. So much so, we’ve lost track of what our own needs are.
Well, personally, I am exhausted from pleasing everyone else. I am hereby permitting you to please yourself. For if you continue as you have been, after so long, you’ll probably experience compassion burnout.
You will probably resent your loved ones, feel disconnected, irritable and drained, which is exactly why pleasing ourselves should not be viewed as selfish or indulgent.
Start by reminding yourself that you don’t need to make sure that everyone else is happy all of the time. Some things are out of our control and I am a firm believer that if you are happy, your positivity will seep outwards and rub off on others.
Not a Hard and Fast Rule…
There are exceptions to the rule, of course; I understand that some carers have no choice but to sacrifice huge parts of themselves in order to keep their loved ones safe and looked after. Life is not always balanced, and some responsibilities simply cannot be put down.
But I also know this: somewhere along the way, I forgot how to make room for myself. Not because I don’t have things I enjoy. Not because I don’t deserve a rest. But because I became so used to dealing with everyone else’s needs, I stopped noticing my own.
So, from now on, I am trying to carve out little pockets of time that belong solely to me. It feels unfamiliar and, at times, deeply uncomfortable. But I am learning that I matter too.
For further reading, I would wholeheartedly recommend Fearne Cotton’s book, Likeable. It is a wonderfully warm, funny and honest account from someone who has spent much of her life in the public eye. She explores the concept of people-pleasing with a remarkable openness and compassion, offering practical advice on how to break the cycle and gently let go of those habits that keep us stuck.
Anxiety, my Make-up.
I know that I am naturally anxious. I understand that when life feels uncertain, my instinct will be to slip back into old people-pleasing patterns. To smooth things over. To keep everyone happy. To be “good”.
And perhaps I always will.
But I am beginning to understand that there has to be room for me in my own life, too.
Because I don’t want my children to remember a mother who was permanently exhausted and a huge mardy bum. I don’t want the people I love to inherit the belief that love means endlessly running yourself into the ground.
So yes, I will continue to care deeply. I will continue to be there for the people I love. But I am going to really try to save a little of that kindness, compassion and patience for myself.
TTFN.
Other handy resources –
Psychology Today – People-Pleasing
A Study – The Mental Health Implications of People‐Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People‐Pleasing Questionnaire
