When lockdown hit the country last year it didn’t really affect me too much, you see, I had already been in lockdown for 2 years due to my severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I was in a very dark place, barely left my room. I could only see my girlfriend at the front door for a couple of minutes and that was on a good day, which was few and far between.
My typical day at this time consisted of me lying in bed with a fan pointing at me trying to prevent panic attack after panic attack. 9 months ago I decided that I had to do something, I couldn’t go on living this way. Something had to change as things were only getting worse. One day it just came to me, I was going to attempt to express how I felt through my song. Music had been a big part of my life from a very young age. I grew up with parents who listened to the likes of George Michael, Boyz 2 Men, Nsync, these all influenced my love of the 90’s era of pop.
It took a lot of strength for me to build up the courage and energy to actually sit down and put pen to paper, I don’t know how, but I did it. I put on an instrumental and started writing how I felt. The first day led to the second which led to the third. Day after day my feelings poured out onto the blank sheets and so far I’ve written over 25 songs. I created a YouTube channel and started uploading my work. What came next has left me well and truly astounded! I have reached over 300,000 channel views so far in just 9 months which I honestly can not believe still to this day. I’ve received hundreds of messages from people thanking me for helping them understand that they are not alone in how they are feeling and what they are going through. I’ve even heard from someone who was having suicidal thoughts. They said thank you as my music had inspired them to focus on brighter days ahead. This meant so much to me.
I am still more or less housebound but I am taking baby steps and facing things I’ve feared for so long. I have even managed to stay outside for a small period of time which I would never think possible a few months ago. My goal is what is motivating me and that is to reach as many people suffering from mental health issues as possible. Anyone who is or has been in that dark hole that I know so well needs to know that there is a way back. It takes that little bit of strength and courage to face things and once you do you will realise that it’s not as scary as we make it out to be in our own heads.
I really hope that if you are reading this and are not in a great place right now, you are not alone BUT things can get better. It’s about controlling it, rather than letting it control you. I feel as though I lost four years of my late 20’s and that is already too much. I’m not there yet but I’m on my way and music is a big part of my therapy.
If you are interested in hearing any of my music then feel free to follow the link below. I would love to hear back from anyone that would like to get in touch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHhIozV4KL0
How can No Panic help you?
No Panic specialises in self-help recovery and our services include:
Providing people with the skills they need to manage their condition and work towards recovery.
Our aim is to give you all of the necessary advice, tools and support that you will need to recover and carry out this journey. Find out more: https://nopanic.org.uk/support-services/?sfw=pass1614792822